In these trying times, we need a little laugh...

I have a Peanuts calendar on my desk.  

This came up over a month ago, and thought that a little "Peanuts Humor" is what we need, in the midst of all of the darkness.   

Peanuts always makes me smile.

So, Jesus and Satan were arguing... (A Little Humor)

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. 

They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. 

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus sighed.  Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. 

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' 

 Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. 

 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?' 

 God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES...

Catholic Humor for a Friday...

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is
dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I head you loud and clear. I will talk you
through this and get back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with
this kind of problem. Now just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!
Now give me your height and position"

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....

 "Repeat after me: Our Father. .  Who art in Heaven. . . .."

A Little Humor for a Friday

A professor - an atheist - was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no a God.
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard about what the professor said.

The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy. He sent me."

Catholic Humor for Friday

So a deacon and his pastor are on a missionary trip, in a dangerous part of Latin America.
 
They end up being kidnapped by revolutionaries.  The revolutionaries decide to execute them both by firing squad.
 
As they blindfold the two men, the head of the death squad asks the deacon if he has a final request.
 
“Yes,” the deacon replies bravely.  “I’d like to deliver one last homily.”
 
The head of the death squad considers this for a moment,  and agrees to the request.
 
He then asks the pastor of he has any last wishes.
 
“Yes,” the pastor replies.  “Shoot me first.”




Taken from The Deacon's Bench

A Little Catholic Humor

From a friend...this time, not Melvin. Enjoy.

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Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. (Personally, I don't know how Kindergarten can be trying but let's leave it at that.)

His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning.

It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned in religion from Sr. Anna last week, that Jesus sits on God's right hand."

A Little Catholic Humor...

From Melvin...thank you...

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A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse and said to the woman, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat-up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?"

But she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his bike and asked if he could help.

The woman said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" The biker said, "Sure."

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

The woman hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears, cried out loud, 'Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!'

Is GOD GOOD - or what!

A little Catholic Humor...

This one has been posted on Facebook a number of times. I thought it was funny. Enjoy.

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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know crap?" And then she went back to reading her book.....

Some Catholic Humor for the long weekend...

Things are not good for faithful Catholics in Annapolis. Gay Marriage will probably pass. Illegal aliens (those who break the law) will get cheap tuition and all sorts of other benes (with the support of the Maryland Catholic Conference). Increase taxes, etc.

But...we all need a laugh once in a while.

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An Irish priest was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a Donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a Donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Can this be the "New" Christmas Greeting?

This is something going around the Internet. Enjoy!

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For Liberal Catholycs...

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

For Conservative Catholics...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Some Catholic Humor for a long weekend...

From an email circulating on the Internet
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In Washington DC, an old priest lay dying in the hospital.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The House and Senate waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Reid commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected." Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Reid's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Nancy Pelosi spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Reid.

"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

Redneck Lent (A Little Humor...Enjoy)

Let's start off the week with a little humor...at least I got a chuckle out of it.

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest, Fr. McCarthy.

Fr. McCarthy (the good priest that he was, from County Sligo) went to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.


After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'


Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.


The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.


There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.'

A Little Monday Humor...Enjoy!

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi.
How might I help you?"

"And the top of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

A New Blog...for the Blog List

Periodically, I like to add blogs that I find interesting. I may not always agree with the author, but I do find them interesting. Here is one that I do enjoy visiting periodically: The Catholic Cartoon Blog.

Paul Nichols is the creator of the blog. According to him, he creates:

Cartoons based on happenings in the Catholic Church, or in the world at large from a Catholic viewpoint.

Recall Notice (A Little Humor)

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality, " or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include:

1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.


The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.


Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness

9. Self control

(these are the "Fruits of the Holy Spirit")

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.


DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Paradise so as to prevent contamination of that facility.


Thank you for your attention!


GOD


P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'.


Because I AM

A little humor to start off the day..

A little humor...floating around the 'net. Enjoy.

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'

Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'

'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'

'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

+++++++++


Joseph McCarthy goes to see Fr. O'Brien. "Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Fr. O'Brien asked, 'What's wrong?'

McCarthy replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

Fr. O'Brien, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

He pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

Fr. O'Brien, the wise priest that he is, says, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Fr. O'Brien calls McCarthy and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

McCarthy said yes and the good Father replied, 'Take the poison.'

A Little Humor...

One Sunday morning, the Fr. Mike noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning Father Mike," he replied, still focused on the plaque.

"Father Mike, what is this?" Fr. Mike said, "Well, Alex, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which Mass, the 9am or the 11:00am?"

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UPDATE (10:55AM)

Correction...Latin Mass time at St. John the Evangelist (Old Church) is 8am. Please accept my apologies.

A Little Humor

A dog had followed his owner to local public elementary school.

His owner was a fourth grader at that same school.

However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him.



The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.

Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,


'Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either'.

For a Friday, Some Catholic Humor

I have to thank my friend Melvin for this...
________________________

A few minutes before the 10am Mass was to start, the congregation was sitting in their pews, reading the bulletin, praying, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

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More on my take of the Archbishop's Pastoral Letter on Education next week.

Don't Step on the Ducks! (A Little Catholic Humor)

This came from a friend via email, who received it from a friend, who got it from a friend...besides, you got to have a small chuckle sometimes.

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.