I cannot take credit for this, but this is in honor of Nancy Pelosi, that preeminent catholyc theologian and elected official. This is also in honor of all of her catholyc supporters, esp. in the Archdiocese of Washington.
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PELOSIUM
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of
the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
Pelosium. The chemical symbol of Pelosium is Pu.
Pelosium has one neutron, 12
assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark
particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons.
Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with
various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within
the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This
characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium
is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates MSNBCobnoxium and CNNadnausium,
both elements that radiate orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as
incoherent noise, since they have half as many peons but twice as many morons
as Pelosium.
Since it has no electrons, Pelosium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically
as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the
discoverers, a minute amount of Pelosium causes one reaction to take over four
days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.
In
the presence of anti-morons, Pelosium can be extremely corrosive. Botox seems
to distort and smooth it's surface, without impeding it's ongoing decay.
Pelosium has a normal half-life of approximately two years, at which time it
does not decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation, appearing in a new
location but displaying the same properties. In this process, assistant
neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some
studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each transmutation.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Pelosium occurs naturally in the
atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations, universities, and anywhere there is news coverage
occurring. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best
maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Pelosium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Pelosium can be
controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.