Catholic Humor for Friday

So a deacon and his pastor are on a missionary trip, in a dangerous part of Latin America.
 
They end up being kidnapped by revolutionaries.  The revolutionaries decide to execute them both by firing squad.
 
As they blindfold the two men, the head of the death squad asks the deacon if he has a final request.
 
“Yes,” the deacon replies bravely.  “I’d like to deliver one last homily.”
 
The head of the death squad considers this for a moment,  and agrees to the request.
 
He then asks the pastor of he has any last wishes.
 
“Yes,” the pastor replies.  “Shoot me first.”




Taken from The Deacon's Bench

A Little Catholic Humor...

From Melvin...thank you...

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A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse and said to the woman, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat-up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?"

But she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his bike and asked if he could help.

The woman said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" The biker said, "Sure."

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

The woman hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears, cried out loud, 'Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!'

Is GOD GOOD - or what!

A little Catholic Humor...

This one has been posted on Facebook a number of times. I thought it was funny. Enjoy.

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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know crap?" And then she went back to reading her book.....

Some Catholic Humor for the long weekend...

Things are not good for faithful Catholics in Annapolis. Gay Marriage will probably pass. Illegal aliens (those who break the law) will get cheap tuition and all sorts of other benes (with the support of the Maryland Catholic Conference). Increase taxes, etc.

But...we all need a laugh once in a while.

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An Irish priest was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a Donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a Donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

A Little Friday Humor

A little humor for a Friday. Enjoy! (Thanks Melvin!)

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The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for Obama" hat and a "Save the Trees" shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Sarah" shirts came racing up.

One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck.

The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Seattle and get another one?"

Happy Thanksgiving!

In this time of high unemployment, Catholic education in this Archdiocese in turmoil, and the Church under attack in many areas, there are still things to be thankful for.

Take a moment to THANK GOD for those things.

And now, for a little humor, sent to me (and many others) from Melvin.

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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.' God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Couldya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"


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Author's Note: Special thanks for this to my good friend who sent me this a while back. You know who you are.

The Bear and the Athiest (Humor)

Periodically, you need a good laugh, especially for a Monday morning. So, here is a little humor from a friend of mine. Enjoy!


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An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

"Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

A Little Humor - Part II

A while back, I had posted some humorous stuff floating on the web entitled: Secret Catholic Stuff. I posted half of it and then lost the original email. So, having gotten the email again, here is the rest.

Remember, a good laugh is healthy.

Enjoy.

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INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELE ISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (For you non-Catholics it means "Lord have mercy".)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know hen to sit, kneel, and stand.

And now, a little humor...

A couple of weeks ago, I received the same email from a couple of friends entitled: Catholic Trivia. It is one of those humorous ones that you get for a few days from various people, as it "flies" around the world. I will share of part of now and some later.

Remember, it is important to laugh, especially at ourselves sometimes.

Enjoy!

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This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN : A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.